Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label satire. Show all posts

Thursday, February 21, 2019

"The Woman America Loves a Latte" by Holly Tierney-Bedord


EXCERPT and GIVEAWAY
The Woman America Loves a Latte
by Holly Tierney-Bedord

The Woman America Loves a Latte by Holly Tierney-Bedord

The Woman America Loves a Latte by Holly Tierney-Bedord is currently on tour with Silver Dagger Book Tours. The tour stops here today for an excerpt and a giveaway. Please be sure to visit the other tour stops as well.


Description
Orphaned as a teen, Veloura has never stood a chance. Spending her days sprucing up the shack of a has-been bull rider and washing hair down at the local beauty salon, she's settled for a life of low expectations.
When it turns out her fiancé doesn't have her best interests at heart, she's forced to come up with a new plan for herself.
An opportunity to be the spokesperson for a coffee chain means a bright future could be hers, if only she can stay ahead of her dark past.

Excerpt
“Suzie,” Vee was saying, “my life is finally coming together. Can you believe I’ve got a wedding to plan?”
Suzie wrapped her finger through the phone cord in her kitchen a couple of times. Her two-year-old daughter Britney was sick with the flu, down for a nap, so she’d taken personal days from both her jobs. Unfortunately, she still had to pay the daycare center, but it was nice to be home on a Monday.
“No, Vee, I can’t believe it. Have you totally given up on that guy who works at RadioShack?”
“God, yes, I’ve totally given up on him.”
“What about the guy at the frozen yogurt place? Or maybe just try being single for a while.”
“I can’t be single. Where would I live? Back in some rooming house with twenty other people?”
“I thought you liked New Horizons?”
“It was a halfway house, Suzie, which would have been okay, but when you’re the only person not recovering from an addiction, everyone gives you the coldest shoulder.”
“I guess you could stay here with us,” Suzie said. She held her breath, hoping Vee would say no.
“No, no. Don’t be crazy. I’ve got everything with Thunder. He’s a man. He owns his own home.”
“I hope you’re not marrying him for his dinky little house.”
“Gimme a break. I’m not that materialistic. I would never marry some guy for his house,” said Vee. “I’m just trying to tell you that, unlike every other guy I’ve ever dated, he’s an honest-to-goodness adultwith things like a bad back and real pots and pans. I need this kind of stability and support. Doesn’t everyone deserve that?”
“Yes, but I thought you said he stays out all night? How does that feel stable to you?”
“I think you get that with all guys, at least early on before they’re fully committed.”
“No, Vee, not all men are like that,” said Suzie.
“Anyway,” said Vee. “Let’s focus on the positive. Like how fast Thunder’s trying to make it all happen.”
“Really?” said Suzie. She was still doubtful whether Vee and Thunder were even engaged or if this was some kind of massive misunderstanding on the part of her friend.
“Really!” said Vee. “I asked him about an engagement ring on Monday—the day after he proposed, you know, wondering when we might want to go to the mall and try some on, and just like that, he disappeared. Left the house. Drove away. I was like, ‘Hey! Where’d he go?’ I thought maybe he was going to bail on me! But then later that same day he showed back up and gave me a ring! Can you believe it?”
“Barely,” said Suzie.
“I can’t believe you haven’t seen it yet. I’ve had it a whole week. It’s a little loose, but I figure I can wear it on my middle finger instead.”
“You could get it resized, you know,” said Suzie.
“Yeah, that costs money. So, on Tuesday I told Thunder I want to go dress shopping with you. And guess what?”
“He presented you with your wedding dress,” Suzie guessed. She lit a cigarette—one of her few guilty pleasures—and blew the smoke out the open window so it wouldn’t drift back to Britney’s room.
“Close,” said Vee, “and I’m going to ignore the sarcasm in your voice.”
“Okay, I give up. What happened next?” asked Suzie, feeling a little guilty that she wasn’t even faking being enthusiastic about any of this.
[Want more? Click below to read a longer excerpt.]


Praise for the Book
“Great plot with unexpected forays into areas that capture imagination in a delightful way. Would love to read more by this author....” ~ Kindle Customer
“I really enjoyed this book. The author presents an indomitable heroine and knows how to throw in a good plot twist. The book is slightly reminiscent of something Fannie Flagg (one of my favorite authors) might write, but more complex. I think this book would lend itself well to being read and discussed by book clubs. I highly recommend it.” ~ Nancy Hamel
“When I first started reading this book I wasn't sure I was going to like it, but then once I started I couldn't stop. […] The ending was amazing! I never would have guessed how Vee turned out!” ~ Krista Beck
“This was really a great book with believable, usually, characters! I thought the name of the book was kind of strange - until I began reading it. It definitely is worth the read. I have read four of Holly's books now and I think she is wonderful writer. There's always a surprise with her books! Looking forward to the next one!” ~ S Spahn

About the Author
Holly Tierney-Bedord
Holly Tierney-Bedord is the author of several novels and novellas including Sweet Hollow Women, The Woman America Loves a Latte, The Port Elspeth Jewelry Making Club, and Surviving Valencia. She's also an artist and miniaturist, creator of the mid-century dollhouse restoration blog Flip this (Mini) House, and the author of several non-fiction books about creating miniatures. She lives in Madison, Wisconsin.






Giveaway
Enter the tour-wide giveaway for a chance to win a $10 Amazon gift card or a print copy of The Woman America Loves a Latte by Holly Tierney-Bedord.

Links
Amazon (Kindle Unlimited)

Books featured in this post:



Tuesday, February 5, 2019

"Sourpuss" by Merricat Mulwray


EXCERPT and GIVEAWAY
Sourpuss
by Merricat Mulwray

Sourpuss by Merricat Mulwray

Sourpuss by Merricat Mulwray is currently on tour with Xpresso Book Tours. The tour stops here today for an excerpt and a giveaway. Please be sure to visit the other tour stops as well.


Description
Sourpuss is a blistering satire of the depraved and entitled culture that pervades college campuses.
Mallory Wahl loathes the campus party scene ...
She’s sprinting through her senior year obsessed with winning a spot on the US Olympic track team. But she runs straight into a hurdle in the form of fraternity president Graham Patterson, an intern assigned to help her recover from an injury – one she blames on him.
Once Graham’s therapies begin to work, Mallory pretends to fall in love but traps herself in her own scheme and tailspins deep into his debauched world. When a scandal erupts which threatens to shatter her Olympic dreams once and for all, Mallory must finally face the dark truth she’s been running from since freshman year.
In the style of a ’90s dark comedy flick, Merricat Mulwray’s debut brings an insightful and humorous perspective to the reckless behavior college students perpetually get away with. Mallory, herself a flawed heroine, is backed by a self-serving cast of athletes, party girls, townies, and fraternity brothers so hilariously dark that the book will leave you wondering if anyone ever gets what they deserve.

Excerpt
“Welcome back to the hellhole!” Mallory announced. Her teammates briefly cheered then returned to making evening plans. Mallory huffed, crossed her arms, and jammed her body further into the back of her seat. She hated getting back to campus once everyone was already in party mode and out for the night. The bus slowed and she glared out of the window at a swaying student pissing on a tree. As he tried to steady himself, his Greek lettered baseball cap slipped off his head into his warm urine pool. “It’s always the same mess,” she grumbled. Her eyes followed an upbeat group of girls so engrossed in their walking dance battle they unintentionally forded the stream of urine.
Mallory was sure she was the only person who knew exactly how things worked and how they should be. She thought that, unlike the rest of the “morons” on campus, she would be leaving on the Olympic track team. My purpose isn’t to spend my nights barfing and fucking randoms in filthy locations. Come summer, I’ll be far, far, away from this bunch of idiot children and their worthless degrees, she thought with a smile.
To her, the brand new stadium and the sports facilities were proof the college only spent money to support those with true talent, the top athletes. She firmly believed it was the athletes who gave credibility to the school and that the general student body was nothing but fodder for the machine. Except the fucking frat boys. They’ll have jobs—not even, they’ll have careers—when they finish and will have earned none of it. The school lets them do whatever the fuck they want, Mallory thought between aggressive pulls on an energy gel.
The bus came to a stop, allowing a herd of Greeks to pass. The driver laid on the horn as they slowly meandered by. The guy in charge of holding up the rear of a blacked-out girl flung her legs down and gave the driver an aggressive middle finger. The scene made Mallory’s lip curl back, exposing the entirety of her gums.
The bus pushed around the curve towards the stadium. She grinned, wishing the driver had plowed through the crosswalk. Mallory forcibly rolled her eyes at another group. Their pants were down to their ankles as they grabbed at the skirts of sorority girls who were wobbling by in a human train, powered by the fifth of Fireball the caboose carried. Those girls are gonna get what’s coming to them. Mallory laughed as she watched one of the girls throw back her head, heave, and vomit into her sister’s beachy waves. Overturned trashcans and broken beer bottles littered the streets. Mallory sighed. They all need to be arrested. But she knew campus police wouldn’t do anything. They were too busy running a revolving door for those too connected to spend any time in jail.
She stretched out her legs and watched her teammates unload.
“Aren’t you going to get off?” asked a freshman whose name Mallory didn’t know.
“Driver. Drop me at home,” Mallory demanded coolly.
[Want more? Click below to read a longer excerpt.]


Praise for the Book
“This all aligns with what I have been trying to find in fiction - more books about college students, more books about fraternities, more books about campus climates - making it immediately appealing. And as anyone who has listened to me talk about Heathers or Sharp Objects knows, I have a hard time resisting any story that makes me go ‘That is so f--ed up’ while continuing to consume it without hesitation. It is a relief for me to say Sourpuss easily falls within that category.” ~ Natalie Walton, Managing News Editor - The Review - University Of Delaware
“Perhaps one of the most offensive sick ‘jokes’ in literary history... strongly written ... brutally honest and graphic.” ~ IndieReader


“... Merricat Mulwray, covered every aspect of rape culture and did it with their own twist, that no doubt will grab the attention of every fiction fan out there. From slut shaming, to toxic masculinity and the use of misogynistic language and the objectification of women, you'll want to ask ‘Is this allowed?’ The answer is yes, and it is necessary.” ~ Julia Moro, News Editor - The Good Five Cent Cigar - University of Rhode Island
“... it is exceptionally refreshing to read about a female character unashamed to flaunt her ego ... the novel has no shortage of characters that make an immediate impact on readers.” ~ The Daily Californian / UC Berkeley


“Debauchery, nonsense and some of the most hateable characters ever... I loved it! Darkly hilarious and sharply satirical, Sourpuss is fantastic fun to read.” ~ Amber S, NetGalley

About the Author
Merricat Mulwray
Merricat Mulwray is the collaboration of two sisters. They live in Los Angeles where they hatch plans and develop schemes, sometimes these turn into novels.



Giveaway
Enter the tour-wide giveaway for a chance to win a signed copy of Sourpuss by Merricat Mulwray (US/Canada only).

Links

Books featured in this post:



Thursday, April 12, 2018

"Edger" by David Beem


EXCERPT and GIVEAWAY
Edger
by David Beem

Edger by David Beem

Edger by David Beem is currently on tour with Goddess Fish Promotions. The tour stops here today for an excerpt and a giveaway. Please be sure to visit the other tour stops as well.


Description
It’s been said every story must start somewhere. Ours begins with a professional dork. The kind who fixes computers and lives in his gran’s basement. The kind tapped by destiny (that saucy minx) to become the world’s first superhero!
And not a moment too soon …
A nano-sized artificial intelligence is on the loose! It got itself dart-gunned into a cow butt by a frog man in a porn store! Two stoners are corrupting it on twitter! And that’s just the first three pages!!
Join our dork of destiny as he channels the collective unconscious—his psychic superpower - in a harrowing tale of high drama, romance, betrayal, revenge, jesus chickens, cocaine, weirdos, magicians, ninjas, nfl spies, and disco ball water torture administered to the tune of rapture, by blondie. My god, man, what does it all mean!?
It means uncorking that next bottle of wine isn’t only a good idea - it’s advisable.


Excerpt
Water and glass shower the dance floor. Needle scratches vinyl. Hattori Hanzo seizes control instinctively and I land with the grace of a ninja. Mary, who has no dead ninja in her head, thuds with the grace of a turkey carcass dropped from the Level Two parapet of Westfield Horton Plaza.
“Kill them!” someone yells.
“Don’t kill them!” I yell back, figuring that’s got to be worth a try.
Shots are fired. Screaming patrons run and duck for cover. A bullet ricochets off the wall. I grab Mary by the ropes binding her, and drag her behind a nearby couch.
More gunfire.
I chance a peek. Caleb Montana is near the front door, exchanging shots with two Nostradamus agents hiding behind a life-size statue of Caleb in his quarterback uniform, one arm cocked back, preparing to pass the football, and the other stretched out in front, pointing.
I round on Mary, who flings her wet hair back like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Water sprays my supersuit’s visor.
“Cut me loose.”
“Right, right,” I say, feeling around on my utility belt. Jeez, I’ve never tried to locate anything without someone helping me from the Collective Unconscious. There are a lot of things here. I pull a tiny ball out, and the nano-technology grows into a switchblade-shaped object. Seems promising. I flick it on. Blue flame blows out from the end.
“Holy crap!”
“Come on, quit fooling around.”
“Don’t rush me! Do you have any idea how stressful this is?”
“Come on,” she says, her voice husky, cheek to floor, back arched, butt in the air.
“You never see Batman having this problem,” I mutter.
[Want more? Click below to read a longer excerpt.]


Praise for the Book
“Beem laces his absurdist plot with kooky imagery. The AI’s biological host is, at one point, a cow, and a nearly 300-pound defensive tackle may be a spy. These gags make it… Outlandish, hectic, and sometimes illogical but undeniably entertaining.” ~ Kirkus Reviews
“I loved the character development, the humor and all the little fandom jokes Edger had to offer. From start to finish David Beam had me hooked. You can’t go wrong with a ‘high tech super-advanced nano-artificial intelligence’ that thinks it might be a neo-Nazi anarchist cow. If you like quirky characters and dialog, a little science fiction, artificial intelligence and superhero’s than you’ll enjoy Edger.” ~ Mahornick
“Beem offers a somewhat unique blend of science fiction and humor. If you are looking for a deep, complicated, save-the-world-from-artificial-intelligence-gone-bad; this is probably not your book. However; if you enjoy reading those save-the-world-from-artificial-intelligence-gone-bad - and enjoy a slightly cynical, nerdy-yet-humorous view of the world - this book is a fun blend of science fiction and humor.” ~ Angela
“OMG - this book was really different but amazing at the same time. David Beem does an amazing job of describing the characters and the action that is taking place. […] I seriously hope that David Beem plans to write a continuation of this book - because I am sure it will also be a hit!” ~ Sue Ann B
“You won’t find any major plot twists in this book and I wouldn’t call it a page-turner, but it’s a very entertaining read. It’s funny which is pretty cool. I had moments where I literally did LOL! If you’re looking for something different from your normal beach read, then this is something to try out. It’s a science fiction novel full of many funny moments and a main character that you can’t help but fall in love with.” ~ Amazon Customer


Playlist


  
About the Author
David Beem
David Beem enjoys superhero movies, taekwondo, and flossing. He lives in Djibouti with his family and crippling self-doubt. Help actualize David’s inner confidence. Visit his website today and buy all the stuff.





Giveaway
Enter the tour-wide giveaway for a chance to win a $50 Amazon or B&N gift card.


Links

Monday, February 26, 2018

"Daddy 3.0: A Comedy of Errors" by Rob Armstrong


ON SALE for $0.99
Daddy 3.0:
A Comedy of Errors
by Rob Armstrong

Daddy 3.0: A Comedy of Errors by Rob Armstrong

Rob Armstrong stops by today to share an excerpt from Daddy 3.0: A Comedy of Errors, which is ON SALE for only $0.99 (save $2.00) to 31 March. Don’t miss out!

Description
What a mess. This was not supposed to happen.
This isn’t where Nick Owen thought he would be by this point in life. He used to be a busy web programmer. Now he spends most of his energy trying to stop his three-year-old twins from playing in a dirty sand pit. Nick thinks of himself as Daddy 3.0, a stay-at-home-dad - but he just wasn’t programmed for this.
He must navigate a new world of jungle gyms and playdates while supporting his surgeon wife. He tries his best to be there for the twins, but he can’t stop making a mess of things. He’s just about nearing the end of his rope when the Swing Incident happens. The Swing Incident, spoken of in hushed tones around Nick’s New York City apartment building, has caused the resident queen bee, nicknamed “Supermom,” to declare him an enemy for life. No matter what Nick does to get back into Supermom’s good graces, he fails spectacularly.
Now Nick’s going to have to learn to fight fire with fire and become the best superparent on the block. This hilarious new book by Rob Armstrong chronicles one man’s journey into the world of modern fatherhood - one botched haircut, playground fight, and dirty diaper at a time.
Stay-at-home-dads have a new hero, of sorts.
2017 Independent Author Network Winner - Best Comedy/Satire Novel

Book Video


Excerpt
My attitude about most everything was lousy. This negativity placed me on the wrong side of Supermom. Supermom was everything I was not. She was a walking checklist of desirable qualities: tall, skinny, tan, blond, blue eyed, and attractive. She wore stylish clothes, hailed from a well-heeled family from Connecticut, was married to a rising-star orthopedic surgeon, had graduated from Harvard with a degree in English, was an avid skier and tennis player, was a great cook, and was fluent in French. Her five year plan, after her son and daughter, ages four and three, reached school age, was to start and run a charitable foundation directed toward issues of poverty among women in sub-Saharan Africa. Supermom was the rare person who required no more than four hours of sleep a night, and she was able to utilize the extra hours each day for things such as keeping up correspondence with a seemingly endless list of people who often visited her. She was also the type of stay-at-home parent who would actually do rainy-day activities with her kids, such as painting, clay sculpting, and messy glue projects with feathers and glitter. Before the park incident, I had been on cordial terms with her, placing her in the category of being otherworldly—like a two-dimensional superhero character, ready to take on the world and never requiring a potty break.
Supermom was slow in meeting us that day, but she did unfortunately come. It was late afternoon, and the twins were fighting over a broken sand scoop. I said several times, “Claire. Maude. Can you play nicely and share?” Unfortunately, three-year-olds have short memories. My patience ran thin. Around me were packed kids, moms, and nannies, all of us trapped in a hot asphalt park, not yet ready to return to our cramped Upper East Side apartments. At any point in time, at least one kid could be heard crying or screaming. I had nowhere else to take the girls that didn’t cost money. In Manhattan, circling the block cost five bucks. I had an hour to kill until Liz finished up at the hospital and we could go to our Friday dinner at Mandarin Deli. She had been working a boatload of hours since starting her surgical fellowship at the Hospital for Special Surgery on July 1. It was one of those days—a crab-apple day. The problem was that now most every day was a crab-apple day.
The novelty of being a stay-at-home dad had worn off. I was still looking for work but had few job leads. That day, I had received another rejection call from another second interview. While I was feeling sorry for myself, a grimy boy, maybe four, peed in the sandpit. I looked around for his keeper, but no one seemed to be with the kid. The kid pissed for about five seconds before other people started to notice. The sandpit cleared. “Whose kid is this?” I shouted. “He can’t do that here.”
Ignoring me, he finished his business. Suddenly, a grandmotherly woman pushed through the crowd that had formed and screamed at the kid in a language with many hard consonants. She tugged at his arm and dragged him away. Eventually, kids began to settle back into the sandpit, keeping clear of the area of drainage until it dried. I suggested to my girls that they move on to the jungle gym. I got no argument.
My friend Good Heart had finally gotten to the park with her daughter, Sammie. “Some kid just peed in the sand pit. Do you believe it?”
“Our pediatrician told us to avoid the sand boxes in the parks. Rats play in them at night,” Good Heart said. “Do you let your twins play in the sand?”
“Not now, I’m not.” Good Heart had a gap-tooth smile, which she hoped to rectify as soon as her husband completed his medical fellowship and they could afford cosmetic dental work.
I lost sight of Claire and Maude, as they blended into the swarm of kids on the jungle gym, despite having distinctive curly blond hair. No matter what I was doing in the park, I instinctively looked for the kids every thirty seconds. The thought of not knowing where the kids were scared me. Good Heart understood my need to chase after the kids. I was learning that it was rare to have a full conversation with another adult.
Maude and Claire were hidden beneath the jungle gym, arguing with a slightly older kid over a bike with training wheels. Maude was straddling it, demonstrating her imagined ownership of it. She pulled against the boy’s grip on the handle bar. Her loyal sister yelled, “Our bike.”
I said, “This bike doesn’t belong to you. You have to ask him for a turn if you want to ride it.”
Maude kept pulling on the bike. She was not going to yield. The little boy started to stutter-cry.
“Can they have a turn for a little bit, please?” I asked.
“It mine,” he wailed. Fearing a confrontation with my spunky little Maude, I bent down to speak to the boy, thinking he might be more reasonable than my own child. “My kids are younger than you and don’t understand what it means to share. Can you be a big boy and show them how sharing is done?”
As soon as I said it, I knew I had screwed up. I had failed to heed the prime directive of parenting: do not impose your parenting style on another person’s kid.
“That’s my son’s bike,” a woman yelled. “And don’t you lecture my boy.”
“Sorry.”
“I don’t want ‘sorry.’ Just get your kids away.”
“You don’t have to be nasty. Everybody knows that when you bring a toy to the park, you kinda of have to be willing to share it.”
Second mistake. Do not impose your parenting style on other parents.
[Want more? Click below to read a longer excerpt.]


Praise for the Book
“Hilarious Daddy 3.0 ... story about a computer geek turned stay at home dad ... the best part someone asks towards the end, my husband is the oldest version 1.0, where can I upgrade him cheap … wish the author would have given a link for the upgrade” ~ Mathangi Sri, India
“It did not take me long to read this book simply because, once started, I didn't want to stop reading. The only thing slowing me down were the tears in my eyes from laughing so much. The situational comedy was absolutely hilarious. I kept thinking, ‘I'd love to see this movie.’ The quality of the writing added to the reading pleasure. If this is the first book, I look forward to his second, third and more.” ~ Chuck Hossack, PA
“An appealing comedy delivers many laugh-out-loud moments for the reader who has dealt with a fractious toddler or attempted to cope as an outsider in any type of clique.” ~ Kirkus Reviews
“This book is great I could not put it down.” ~ Liza Bergmann
“You have to love a dad who is just doing his best to keep home and kids under control AND keep his wife happy.” ~ Lisa Borowski
“This was incredibly enjoyable and made me feel a bond with the author. This is a simple, quick read, that is thoroughly enjoyable and entertaining.” ~ Amazon Customer
“You will laugh out loud, as you can absolutely picture the scenes. Anyone who has kids, whether a dad or mom, will relate with these experiences and thoroughly enjoy the ride.” ~ Eric Budin
“This novel, rich with detail and wit, brings the characters to life. I feel like I know Nick Owen and his chaotic children. Armstrong brilliantly chronicles the evolution of a man and his relationships. A must read!” ~ Amazon Customer

About the Author
Rob Armstrong
Rob Armstrong mines comedy from his own life as a stay-at-home dad.
After graduating from the Wharton School of Business, he worked in communication finance, before taking an “early retirement” to look after his two daughters.
Armstrong lives with his wife and daughters in the Greater Philadelphia area. He has served as treasurer of the local PTA and as an elected member of the school board.

Links